𝑸𝑼𝑬𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵❓
I have been hurt very badly; I have not been married for long but my husband started speaking to a woman from the past a few months after our marriage. I did not get to know him very well before marriage because I chose to follow the rules of Islam and not get to know my partner.
My husband had the intention of
marrying another woman so he got to know her for a while before our marriage
and before we met; that woman has now got in contact with him and they have
been having conversations via e-mail and by phone.
I discovered proof and I lost my
temper as I loved my husband very much but now he said to me that he had
feelings for her and he wanted to marry her but before we got married I had
asked him if he wished to marry again and he said no very clearly and that he
had no intention of going down that path. I feel like I've been cheated on and
hurt.
Now I cannot trust my husband and
always think about how they must have interacted and how they must have made
jokes and in their e-mail they talked about their past when they were talking
which is haram (impermissible) unless you talk to a mahram (close relative whom
one cannot marry). He now promised he won’t get in contact with her and that he
has ended it, but in my heart there is so much hurt and at times I cry and get
depressed and feel like I am not enough for him.
We have a child and at times I
feel like I cannot live with him and that I don’t want to be with him because
he has betrayed and used me and made me feel like we are ok when we were not.
He always went to her to talk about his worries and emotions and not to me and
I was pregnant at the time which makes me hurt even more. What is the
punishment for a man when he does this to his pregnant wife? I want advice from
you on how to take control of this situation in a halaal (lawful) way. I feel
unhappy at times and like I’m stuck with someone who doesn’t love me or have
feelings for me.
𝑨𝑵𝑺𝑾𝑬𝑹❗️
Praise be to Allah.
What the man is doing of having a
haram (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram is a
betrayal of the rights of Allah before it is a betrayal of the rights of his
wife. The Muslim is bound by a covenant with his Lord, may He be exalted, and
what he is required to do is to fulfil that covenant and not break it.
Moreover, this is not what the
individual is enjoined to do in response to the blessings that his Lord has
bestowed upon him. Allah, may He be glorified, has blessed him with good
health, well-being and a wife and children, either now or soon, in sha Allah.
The way to show gratitude for
these blessings is not to waste this good health and well-being in haram
relationships with non-mahram women, and the way to show gratitude for the
blessing of the wife and children is not by neglecting them and breaking ties
with them. Allah, may He be exalted, has promised to those who give thanks
increased blessings and He warns those who are ungrateful for blessings of a
severe punishment, as He says
وَاِذْ
تَاَذَّنَ رَبُّكُمْ لَٮِٕنْ شَكَرْتُمْ لَاَزِيْدَنَّـكُمْ وَلَٮِٕنْ كَفَرْتُمْ اِنَّ عَذَابِىْ لَشَدِيْدٌ
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed:
If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will
give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers),
verily! My Punishment is indeed severe.” [Ibrahim 14:7]
What appears to be the case in
your situation with your cheating husband is that you have a place in his
heart; were it not for that he would have hastened to end the marital
relationship between you after he found out that you are aware of his haram relationship
with that woman. This is something that should be used to put pressure on him
to give up this sin and end that haram relationship.
We think that you should treat
him very kindly ; you should also adorn yourself for him, wear your best
clothes and create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house, because he may
be missing that altogether or in part.
You should also advise him and
admonish him, and warn him against continuing to commit haram actions. You
should explain to him what his punishment will be with Allah in the Hereafter,
or in the Hereafter and this world; indeed you should warn him that Allah may
punish him for such sin with regard to his family, as he may be tested with
marriage to a woman, or with having a daughter, who does with men what he is
doing with women – what will his reaction be in that case?
We advise you not to let many
people know about what your husband is doing, because the basic principle is to
conceal sins that are unknown. What we want is that which will help mend his
ways, not that which may be taken as a means to continue what he is doing of
committing sin.
Fill his time with useful and
beneficial things, and do not leave him time when he is alone with his shaytan!
His daily schedule should be full, either with acts of worship such as
upholding ties of kinship or attending Islamic study circles, or he should be
busy with worldly matters that are beneficial and permissible, such as
exercise.
Offer a lot of du`a
(supplication) for him to be guided and set straight, for the best weapon of
the believer is du`a. Strive hard to offer du`a in the last third of the night
and when prostrating.
Finally, if what is mentioned
above does not succeed in putting a stop to that haram relationship of his with
that woman, then you have two options
You can advise him to marry her
in accordance with the laws of Allah, may He be exalted, so as to save him and
her from this haram relationship, on condition that his relationship with her
has not reached the level of zina (adultery) – Allah forbid – because it is not
permissible to advise someone to do something that is haram, as their getting
married will not be permissible until after they repent (from zina).
Or you can ask for a divorce, but
start by threatening to ask for it, then if he remains as he is you have the
right to seek a way out of the calamity you are faced with by asking for a
divorce. The final resort in medical treatment is cautery, as it is said, and
despite the pain of this cautery (divorce), it will give you a way out from the
distress and anger you are feeling, and it will protect you and your children
from the possibility of fitnah (tribulation) because of your husband’s
misbehaviour and his haram relationship, whether that protection has to do with
your religious commitment, honour or health.
This is what we can give you by
way of advice. May Allah guide your husband and set his affairs straight; we
ask Allah to reconcile between you when he is adhering to righteousness and
obedience towards Allah.
And Allah knows best
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